


Things Happen

by KingJulienne



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack Fiction, Drabble Collection, Funny, Gen, Humor, I don't know how to tag this lol, Originally on Wattpad, Sharingan, Team 7 - Freeform, Twerking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 12:04:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14954348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingJulienne/pseuds/KingJulienne
Summary: What do you mean this wasn't canon??





	Things Happen

**[1]: Special Moves**

Zabuza smirked, and it glistened in his eyes. The four across from him staggered into an unsettled and tense air, the blond one flinching, sweat not from the mistiness stuffing the air (mist that Zabuza half-wished he had less to do with, considering the heat and season) sliding down his face.

 

These Kakashi brats had no clue what was coming to them, stepping to him like they’d been in this vast, cruel world longer than he. Ha!

 

“Yer in for it now,” Zabuza growled, widening his stance and clasping his hands into the first seal.

 

_Bunny! Ox! Drop the Bass! Hammer Time!_

 

“What signs are those?” Sasuke muttered as Zabuza channeled his chakra He looked more confused than concerned.

 

He had a right to be. Zabuza had been snapping into different not only hand signs but positions, one looked like he was crab-walking.

 

“They must be to some secret technique,” Kakashi answered as nine more Zabuza showed up on the field, bursting forth out of the water. They all bore glinting eye smirks of their own.

 

Kakashi warned the genin, “Be on your guard…”

 

Zabuza emphasized every syllable. “Ultimate Ninja Art,” Zabuza said, “ _Twerk team_.”

 

It was hardly what they expected.

 

A true statement that they didn’t know what was coming to them.

 

Pelvic and ass thrusts alike assailed them, Zabuza after Zabuza hopping into a position and thrusting his hips. One back flipped into a hand stand and spread his knees, jerking his ass back at the four behind him. Another got on the ground and worked that spine so his ass cheeks clapped together. Another shook what his momma gave him so hard he killed himself and turned into a puddle, just to be replaced by another Zabuza, swaying to some trance inducing rhythm that only he could hear before he dropped low and worked his ass like the rest of them. The others showed their booty work like it was their life’s mission, thrusting their hips, dancing around in circles, shaking their asses like no tomorrow.

 

Each pelvic/ass thrust was a punch to the face.

 

They didn’t know who they were messing with, but now they did. It was Zabuza Momochi, Mutherfucking Twerk Master, destroying lives with his impeccable booty work.

 

Naruto was the first to fall, Sakura fell soon after. Sasuke refused to fall to such a ridiculous technique, but by the time he made that resolve Zabuza’s booty game had gotten so strong Kakashi went down and took Sasuke down with him.

 

Zabuza rose to his full height, and with a pop of his hip, the water clones burst into puddles. He sauntered around in the spot and swaggered out into the water, leaving the losers to rot.

 

**[2]: Special Shoes**

“Kakashi-sensei,” Naruto calls to the man leading their way back to the village. Post-mission walks were never too vocal among Team Seven, though Naruto prefers to at least hear someone’s voice every once in a while. Sasuke likes the silence apparently, and Sakura likes what Sasuke does, much to Naruto’s dismay.

 

They also tend to get gifted when they do exceptionally well for a client (though one of them tests their patience and placed a note with "git gud" in Naruto's palm), and this time is no different. Some clothing, some shoes, and other accessories fill their packs this time around, having saved a kind woman's...eccentric shop. Well, except one thing that their sensei insists on wearing home. Naruto still can't believe it.

 

Without turning from the road, Kakashi answers Naruto eventually. “Yes, Naruto?” He calls back, “If it’s about another bathroom break you just had one.”

 

"Please don't have the runs again," Sakura moans, twisting her face.

 

“No, no, not that,” Naruto says, shifting his bag higher onto his shoulders. He grumbles under his breath about how he sniffs whatever he eats nowadays, and sticks to things that don't turn to ass vomit the moment he digests them. Naruto's eyes drift toward the ground, toward Kakashi’s feet. “I know it’s rude to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I gotta ask one question.”

 

“Oh?” Kakashi hums in interest. He stops this time, tossing a look over his shoulder. Naruto nods. “What is it, then?”

 

Naruto takes a deep breath, one that swells up his whole shoulders and gets him odd looks from Sasuke and a step away from Sakura. Naruto hollers as he slides himself along the ground, right in front of Kakashi-sensei’s shoes:  _“WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE?”_

 

The entire team looks down, finding Kakashi wiggling his toes. They're all bemused to hear them jingle. Squeaking and lighting up, flashing in multi-color, stuffed white bunnies with sunglasses greet them with cheesy grins.

 

“Well,” Kakashi huffs, only a taking a little bit of offense. “I thought they were cool.”

 

Naruto looks up and narrows his eyes to fox-slits at his sensei. “They’ve got glowin' rabbits on ‘em.”

 

"They're probably the most uncool shoes I've ever seen, sensei," Sakura adds. Naruto nods in agreement, while Sasuke looks off to the side, concealing his opinions on the matter with his silence. Though the way he sneaks glances at the shoes, black eyes glittering with envy debunk all his lies.

 

Kakashi blinks at Naruto, then chuckles slightly, shaking his head. “No, no,” Kakashi says. “Don’t worry Naruto. They don’t just have rabbits on them. These fly.”

 

The entire team deadpans. “What.”

 

Tugging his hands free of his pockets, gesturing for Naruto to ease back, he waits until the boy is out of range to lift his palms once again. Kakashi claps thrice, plus two more times. Snaps his fingers and rolls his neck, and then Kakashi settles his odd gestures with four final claps.

 

What follows drops their jaws to the floor.

 

The ground shakes as Kakashi takes off, raising a peace sign and giving the three of them a closed-eye smile. The boosters come from the base of the shoes, they find, as he rises up on bunny boosters, the exhaust tunnels rushing red, sparkly flames. Their sensei ascends, still holding his peace sign even as he becomes a star twinkling in the distant blue.

 

“There he go,” Naruto says softly and haltingly, as though not even he can believe it. Sasuke, on the other hand, looks like he does.

 

“I’ve gotta get a pair of those,” he says.

 

 The other two eye him for a moment, then look back up at the sky where their sensei went.

 

"Same."

 

**  
**

[3]: How Itachi Unlocked His Sharingan

Itachi accustomed to bathing by himself a while ago. He was young enough that filling the tub to capacity would bring water up to his chin and turn his hair into a seaweed monster around him (to Sasuke's horror, should they bathe together), but old enough that his mother keeping watch over him in the tub was a thing of the past. 

 

Being able to scrub  _and_ dub  _in_ the tub?  _All_  by himself? It was a pretty sweet gig. He'd become pro at the art of single bathing by the second event, and ever since, Itachi came out the bath scrubbed clean, scrubbed pink, and unscathed.

 

He was ready for a new challenge in this bath-taking skill.

 

"Wash your hair today, Itachi," was his mother's new task for bath time by the end of his first week. And oh boy, was Itachi  _ready._ Trust, he researched this business. 

 

What shampoo to use, just how long he should condition--Itachi had his bucket of rinsing water filled to the right level so dumping it over his head would rinse all the soap out in the first go, and the water steamed at just above the right temp so come time to rinse his hair out, it'd be a sweet ride into warm, clean hair and totally  _not_  give him boiled scalp. He had this in the  _bag._  

 

There was only one little problem. During the step where he washed all the suds out in one glorious waterfall, he miscalculated the angle his head tilted just a smidgen. As water and suds ran down and out his hair, suds and water ran down his face, too. 

 

Soap slid into Itachi's eye, just in the corners. But it was enough to unleash frothy, shampooed hell on the entire eyeball, and it was all over.

_"Agh!"_ Itachi grunted as his eye succumbed to bubbly doom, the combination of burning and stinging bore the timid scent of lavender's truly sadistic intentions. His eyelid twitched to close but struggled to stay open so he could fumble for his washcloth, his little heart rushing with all levels of panic as everything in the bathroom took on the obscurity of an abstract watercolor painting (but hurt like a  _bitch)._

 

He might as well have slapped himself in the eye with soap as a part of the process, though he wondered if that would've been less painful than this nonsense. Having his mother watch over him in the bath tub wasn't that much of a little kid thing after all, not with this hell lashing out at his eye socket. If it was just a little burn, he could handle it, but no; this kind of pain  _stung the whole side of his face._

 

And he had no explanation for it, other than shampoo was made from the spit of demons to torture humans while they cackled in the underworld, that's what shampoo was.

 

Even his other eye screwed shut, and no soap had even gone into it. Just the scent of the soap had his other eye fighting for its right to sight, too. He wanted to cry, and he couldn't blame the tears running down his face all on his eyes watering to get the suds out, either. 

 

Itachi really couldn't see, he most definitely couldn't see...and yet. Itachi  _could_ see. 

 

He could see  _everything._  

 

Holy  _crap._

 

Where he had no clue where his wash cloth was earlier, Itachi found it in an instant as it slipped off the edge of the tub toward the floor, snatching it up before it hit the ground.  _Wicked._  

 

He turned on the tap and wet it with clear water so he could get the suds out of his eye pronto. When the towel came away from his face, and soothing his eyeballs left the pain at a dull throbbing, everything was in that level of high definition that new days gained after the rain. Itachi could sense his father and his mother and even Sasuke moving outside the bathroom, where they were going, what they were going to do before they even did it--it was like he could  _see_ through the walls, like he could see into the  _future_ a little bit.

 

He could also see what rep telling people  _he unlocked his sharingan by crying in the bath tub_ would give him, too. 

 

So he closed his eyes, willing his blood trait skill to turn off so he didn't exit this sudsy episode into the world and have to explain why he was one step closer to unlocking one of the most powerful sets of eyes in the universe, all because of bath time.

 

His next task in the bathtub, though, was most definitely coming up with a cooler story to tell people about how he unlocked his sharingan, because it was probably the  _lamest_ thing going to say that he unlocked his special eyes because he got soap in his eye, and thought he was going to die from the pain. 

 

If Itachi had his way, no one would have to know about this little hair-washing faux pas but him. Though some people had their way of wrestling truths out of Itachi. 

 

Shisui wouldn't stop laughing at him for a week.

 

 

**[4]: Avoiding Responsibilities**

The stress was welling up in Yamato like a bad fart.

 

Errand after errand was piled onto him. He had to check on something or another for Tsunade; he was left wondering what exactly Kakashi had asked of him; Naruto wanted some help with training later; an old lady asked him to make her a back scratcher (rude).

 

There was only one thing to do during a time like this.

 

Become one with nature as quick as possible so this bad fart of stress never let its stinky ass loose. Usually by manner of wild screech, and a naked, crazed run through the village Yamato would not recall. At least for a few moments, some away time not thinking about anything but breathing would do him some good.

 

Yamato found the nearest training ground and found a good spot between two trees.

 

“This should be good enough,” Yamato said. He sighed, feeling peaceful already. “Time to avoid my responsibilities.”

 

He formed the hand signs quickly, and let his chakra do its thing. With a puff of ozone that was sent away with the evening breeze, Yamato disappeared into nature.

 

He became a tree.

 

\--

 

Later in the evening, when the people who needed Yamato’s help had realized they hadn’t gotten it just yet set out to find him, they all converged in the same training ground, scratching their heads.

 

“I swore I sensed his chakra,” Tsunade said. She folded her arms and frowned. “What is he, hiding?”

 

“He’s probably a tree,” Naruto muttered. Kakashi glanced over to the trees, considering them, trying to find the odd one out.

 

“How about we make like a tree and…” Kakashi left it to hang in the air. Yamato could never resist a bad pun.

 

There was a quiet response. “Leaf.”

 

“What?” Naruto asked. “Who said that?” He suddenly paled and leapt at Tsunade for protection. “Ghosts?”

 

Rolling her eyes, Tsunade pushed the teenager away from her. “Don’t be a fool, Naruto,” she said. “There aren’t ghosts in Konoha.”

 

“Make like a tree and,” Kakashi said again, approaching the forest.

 

“Leaf…”

 

“Make like a tree and…” Kakashi shuffled in front of a rather unconvincing tree, now that he was up close. Yamato’s face pushed out of its trunk, attempting to pout.

 

“Leaf,” he mumbled. Grinning, Kakashi reached over and patted Yamato’s trunk, consolingly.

 

“Time to get to work, Yamato,” Kakashi said. Yamato only pouted more, and booed.

 

 

**[5]: Love Letters**

 

It’s early in the am, and Sakura has just finished hanging the laundry out to dry. She tugs a sheet here and there to make sure it rests evenly.

 

A light caw comes from above, and she looks up to see a familiar bird. Her heart swells with warmth. _Sasuke._

 

There’s something romantic here, as time and technology grows so quickly and things modernize and change that Sasuke still communicates via carrier bird. It’s like nostalgia for an old time, when she was younger. Maybe they would have written letters then, if things were different. It also helps that the notes for her tend to be more personal and intimate. Telling of his loneliness, how much he misses and loves her, she’s read all kinds.

 

Nonetheless, Sakura dusts her hands off on her apron and backs away from the line, holding her arm out for the bird to land on her. It perches on her wrist—she always wears a brace now, just in case Sasuke sends her a message—and she tugs the message from the bird’s leg, and she tickles it under the chin with the free finger. It leans into the touch and flutters off onto one of the lines, leaving her with her love letter.

 

She rolls the band off and unfurls the note. It’s a short one, but sweet.

 

_Send nudes._

 

Sakura smiles, blush tickling her cheeks. She sighs pleasantly, smiling up at the sky tucking the letter to her chest. _Sasuke._ What a romantic.

 

Sakura heads into the house to craft her equally romantic response.


End file.
